A Christmas Audit
By Barbara Semeniuk
The head of the Manufacturers’ Health and Safety Association called me. " Barb," he said," you are one of our most experienced auditors. We have a very special member that, due to the nature of his business, has to be audited on Christmas Day starting at 12:00 pm. It’s the only time of the year he has active worksites."
"What kind of a maniac works Christmas Day at 12:00 pm…the Grinch?" I hollered.
" No," Mike replied. "Chris Kingle alias Santa Claus".
" You want me to audit Santa Claus?"
" Well his WCB premiums has risen sharply and he is looking to obtain a Certificate of Recognition from WCB because, compared to his industry group—the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy and some witches from Halloween, his premiums are killing him. Plus the 5% incentive from WCB on total payroll makes a difference when you have a workforce of a million elves. Hey, that can buy a lot of toys….." Mike replied.
"Ok," I grumped. " I do not have my daughter for Xmas she’s at her dad’s so I’ll do it"
"I knew we could count on you" Mike exclaimed.
I asked Santa to meet me at the local 24 hour Xmas store and he whisked me to the North Pole. I immediately began the audit process: "Great, now in my letter of confirmation I sent you I told you I need to interview a representative sample of elves: workers, supervisors, management and we can throw in some reindeer for good measure. I understand Rudolph was involved in an incident last Noel so I’d like to interview him…to determine your investigation techniques. I’ll need to look at some documentation on your safety program and I’ll have to observe your workshop and the active worksites when you go around the world giving deserving little boys and girls gifts in a 24 hour period. I must warn you that Alberta Transportation and Utility has stringent rules on the workday allowed…you can technically only work a maximum of 13 hours."
" But all the little boys and girls…".Santa said sadly.
I opened my notebook. "Rules are rules…safety before production!"
I began leafing through the volumes of documentation. At one point I came across a big book labeled "Bad boys and girls". Curious, I opened it up….it listed lumps of coal for over one million children…the carcinogenic ramifications of this were enormous….what were the implications? I made a hasty note in my notebook…and gasped as lettering appeared on the page: "Barbara Semeniuk….auditor" was written in gold letters under the heading "Bad Girl".
"Playing hardball eh?" I thought to myself. This was going to be one tough assignment. "Christmas", I thought, to quote an ancestor of mine: "Bah, humbug!"
The workshop was, from an Occupational Health and Safety point of view, a mess. I yelled " I want yellow lines on this floor, and where’s the Personal Protective Equipment. With all that hammering…elves require hearing protection and you should have an ergonomic analysis of those worktables…all that bending can’t be good for you. Ok….safety glasses are required and respirators or engineering controls such as ventilation should be used when gluing…and where the hell are your Material Safety Data Sheets…these elves must be protected". Santa who was accompanying me said " Ho, Ho Ho".
" This is no laughing matter" I reprimanded Santa sternly. " There are lives at stake here". " Where is your health and safety policy?"
Santa pointed to the wall and there, lined in holly and spruce boughs was the Health and Safety policy. A well built muscular elf was leaning against the wall taking a break from his labours. Man was he built…I always did like short men. Glancing up I noticed some mistle toe "When in Rome" I thought as I grabbed him and kissed him thoroughly" do as the Romans do". After I kissed the elf…I decided to give Santa full marks in that department. " Yes, there is definitely management commitment here" I replied.
Christmas bells started jingling…the elves redoubled their efforts, arms and legs flying as they finished the last of their tasks. " Fire drill?" I queried.
" No, " Santa replied, " time to go". In a moment I was wedged in the back of the sleigh with a sack of toys. Santa was in front driving the reindeers and Rudolph was leading the reindeers, his nose glowing under the stars. We arrived at the first house and landed on the roof. " Follow me" Santa said and approached a narrow chimney.
" I think a physical fitness program should have been part of your program. Obviously the Health part of your safety program was neglected. "I admonished, peering anxiously at the narrow chimney. " How are we going to get down"? I added. Santa smiled and under the starlight, Christmas lights tinkled and then whoosh we were in.
" You can drink the milk and eat the cookies, " Santa said with a twinkle in his eye.
This was going to be great I thought…I love milk and cookies. They were chocolate chip and I ate them all. Maybe, I thought to myself this was not going to be so bad. All of a sudden a large Rottweiller came stalking into the room. It ignored Santa’s large posterior, which was partially exposed, plumber style, as he was bending over laying gifts under the tree and fastened his teeth on my butt. " Yi!" I yelled spilling milk and cookies over the wall.
" Time to go" Santa said and in the next moment we were gliding up the chimney. The Rotweiller could not physically fit in the upper regions of the chimney and let go becoming wedged in the chimney. Boy, did he make a racket. But I did not focus on that…just the pain…my bum hurt like hell. We arrived at the next house…Santa motioned towards the milk and cookies…there are some perks associated with this job I thought contently to myself. The evening wore on…it seemed to last forever. The last house! Thank God I thought to myself brushing off the crumbs from my bulging stomach and sloshing milk…I used to like cookies I thought to myself….I looked at the note " Dear Santa it read " Here are your milk and cookies" love Johnny. I glared at the note, at the cookies….I am a professional I repeated to myself and tried to resist the urge to overturn the table that the milk and cookies were on and to not throw the milk against the wall. " I’m sick of your stinking milk and cookies Johnny I thought to myself as I forced them down…. stomach gurgling in protest.
At the workshop, I prepared to confront Santa…stomach sagging forlornly on the floor, my best suit festooned with soot and embers. "Santa," I began. " I have news about your Certificate of Recognition I’m afraid….but before I could finish Santa whisked a gift in front of me.
"For me?" I said in a little voice.
" Yes, and you can open it because it is Christmas Day" Santa replied. I did and it was perfect I could feel a wave of Christmas cheer beginning to overwhelm me…there was a smell of eggnog in the air. Good will to men (and thinking of the muscular elf who was beaming at me) and elves I cried. " Peace on earth and you’ve passed! " You’ve received your Certificate of Recognition!"
Santa HO Hoed and I thought dimly before I fell completely under the Christmas Spirit…" this is one effective way to obtain a Certificate of Recognition….
Submitted by Barbara Semeniuk
firstbesafe@shaw.ca
June 8, 2003